Dejah
Do you mind telling us a bit about yourself and what made you decide to participate in this photography project?
My name is Dejah, and I decided to include myself in this project because I wanted to share a bit about my recovery journey since I first shared this project back in 2016. I am 29 years old and I am an artist who experiments with different mediums and a mental health advocate.
Do you have a mental illness besides depression that you suffer from? Do you ever feel like that it became a part of your identity? If so, how? If not, how were you able to separate yourself from your illness?
I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar II disorder as well as suffering from depression and anxiety. I definitely felt like my mental illness became a part of my identity because at one point, I forgot who I was before I really started suffering from depression. I have had depression since I was a child. I have diaries and diaries from second grade until now that have the same consistent words of sadness, hopelessness and worthlessness. I just didn't know what it was back then. I also feel like it has been a huge part of my identity because of how some people may see me when I am struggling. Sometimes I can't fake the funk. My face and body language doesn't lie. So when I fall into those episodes and people are avoiding me or asking me if I'm okay, it makes me feel like Dejah is gone and Depression has made her debut. I also like to call her 'The Darkness' because that's where I feel like I'm constantly stuck in when I feel severely depressed.
My name is Dejah, and I decided to include myself in this project because I wanted to share a bit about my recovery journey since I first shared this project back in 2016. I am 29 years old and I am an artist who experiments with different mediums and a mental health advocate.
Do you have a mental illness besides depression that you suffer from? Do you ever feel like that it became a part of your identity? If so, how? If not, how were you able to separate yourself from your illness?
I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar II disorder as well as suffering from depression and anxiety. I definitely felt like my mental illness became a part of my identity because at one point, I forgot who I was before I really started suffering from depression. I have had depression since I was a child. I have diaries and diaries from second grade until now that have the same consistent words of sadness, hopelessness and worthlessness. I just didn't know what it was back then. I also feel like it has been a huge part of my identity because of how some people may see me when I am struggling. Sometimes I can't fake the funk. My face and body language doesn't lie. So when I fall into those episodes and people are avoiding me or asking me if I'm okay, it makes me feel like Dejah is gone and Depression has made her debut. I also like to call her 'The Darkness' because that's where I feel like I'm constantly stuck in when I feel severely depressed.
Do you have family or friends that you are able to confide in regarding your mental health? Who makes you feel safe? How has your mental illness affected your relationships with friends, family, or even work?
I am blessed enough to have a great support system with my parents, sister, boyfriend and best friends. However sometimes even with the immense love and support my brain still somehow makes me feel alone. My brain will tell me completely false things which also makes me tight-lipped sometimes. There are times I feel like things will change between someone in my support system if I admit how suicidal I feel or how much I self harm. But hiding those thoughts and feelings can be incredibly dangerous so it really does help that I have people that do make me feel safe. I think my mental illness has affected my relationship with people for sure. I think my parents started to look at me differently (not in a bad way) when they realized that I do really get mentally sick. I think at first, it showed my friends a completely vulnerable side of me that they might not have been ready for. But their long lasting support has never made me regret opening up.
Do you feel as if having a mental illness as a Black woman has been somewhat a harder struggle? Have you experienced the stigma of being mentally ill within the Black Community?
I truly believe living with a chronic mental illness as a Black woman has for sure been a harder struggle. This is not me trying to invalidate the experiences of white women or other women of color, but the reality is our experiences are vastly different. For one, Black women are already heavily judged and scrutinized right off the bat, without even considering their actual mental state. We are commonly perceived as loud, bitchy, mean, aggressive, etc in the general public, at work, and hell even in our own personal circles. So can you imagine how devastatingly hard it may be for a Black woman to try and fix her demeanor while battling severe depression, anxiety or mood swings? We are never given the same grace as white women or even other women of color. Black women are also not able to receive as many resources for treatment either. And the stigma? It's 2022 and I still hear therapy or depression being called a "white people thing". I still hear how Black people just need the Bible and prayer. While I am not religious, I think a combination of church, therapy, medicine and other holistic things could really help someone who is battling a mental illness. The stigma of acknowledging mental illness and seeking treatment in the Black community is killing us.
What are some positive things or even ‘vices’ that help you through the tough times of your mental illness? Are there things you used to do that no longer benefit you? Why did these things help you?
TW: Self Harm. I really really really enjoy doing any type of art to release my emotions or keep my mind busy. I have been taking pictures for 12 years now and I am semi-self taught. I really enjoyed using photos as a way to express the feelings I just really could not put in words or were afraid to. I also enjoy painting and drawing with oil pastels. Writing has been very useful for me as well. I used to write stories and poetry more than my thoughts, but now I like to write my thoughts down in a journal or doodle my thoughts out. My mind runs so much sometimes I feel like I can't get it all out. Other things I think that are good for me are playing tennis and playing with my dog Zulu. I always considered Zulu an unofficial emotional support animal. My parents allowed me to finally get a dog at one of the lowest points in my life. I love taking care of Zulu and seeing his personality flourish. Pets are truly great companions and the love they have for you is unmatched. Medical cannabis has also done wonders for my anxiety. I know it is not for everyone but I have found the right strains that help with my racing thoughts and overall consistent feelings of doom. Vices that I have used to combat or 'numb' the feelings I felt with my mental illness were alcohol, and self harm. I will never forget (and never do again) finishing a bottle of tequila because I just didn't want to think or be awake anymore and insomnia was also something that I struggled with. Self harming is something that I think is a bit more difficult to discuss, especially as an adult because there is so much shame and stigma behind it as well as many adults don't admit to it. But self harming was one of the things that really made me feel a release as well, even if it was for 30 seconds after a cut. I think another reason why I and hundreds of thousands of other people self harm is because they thought they deserved it because their brain told them they did. And self harm does not have to just be cutting yourself. It can be hitting yourself, pinching, picking your hair, skin, starving yourself, not sleeping for days, etc. It can be a completely exhausting battle with your own brain to prove and understand you indeed matter, however it is a battle worth fighting.
Do you feel proud of yourself for how far you have come with your mental illness?
I am proud of myself for how far I have come. I am my biggest critic but when I remember how I didn't even think I would make it to 21 and I am now 29, I think that is something to be proud of. My condition is with me forever, and instead of trying to 'cure' myself, I need to continue to learn how to live with it.